Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How does one acquire holy water?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
