I looked at my own cervix.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
