I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she told me i tasted like america
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
