Little spoons don't ask big questions
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
