Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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