The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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