Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
