I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
