we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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