My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
