she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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