At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Send help, water and tortillas.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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