I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
