Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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