Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
