Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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