When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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