She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
