I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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