On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
