i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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