she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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