just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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