Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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