He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
sex in a hospital.. check
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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