mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
