The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You made out with two different species that night
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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