My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
