The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
