i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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