He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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