Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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