Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
