I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
