I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They took my balls.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
