i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
