Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
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I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize