Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
