So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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