what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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