Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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