Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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