I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He did a backflip because drugs
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize