she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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