I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
