I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
