Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
