saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
