you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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