my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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