PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
