Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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