im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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