Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
