i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
