I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
