One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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