The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
