I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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