he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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